There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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