Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
