I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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