I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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