I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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