i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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