The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
