Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
