He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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