So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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