I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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