I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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