just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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