I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize