'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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