wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Tornado booty call.. dedication
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
