I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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