Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Randomize