he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
