dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
