I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
