woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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