I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
