You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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