Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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