i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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