Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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