I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
