he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
