yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
