The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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