if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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