and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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