i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
