My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
