I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
