Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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