Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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