I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
