Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
