checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
