She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
