I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
