I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize