You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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