I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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