when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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