Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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