may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
