I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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