ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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