At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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