i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
