white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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